It is the start of the new year, and that must mean that it is time to reflect on the previous year and take stock of all of our failures and triumphs. Why is this a thing? Like, why do we insist on basing our worthiness or our achievements on the lack of failing we do? Isn’t failure a part of learning after all? In his new book, The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward, author Daniel H. Pink examines this very idea.

The Four Types of Regrets

Daniel H. Pink states that everyone has regrets in their lives. In his book he questions, “What if we embraced our regrets? What if we used the past as a guide for better living?” In order to understand and learn from our regrets, it's important that we understand them. Pink posits that there are four types of regrets:

Foundation Regrets: These are the regrets from not "doing the work." Not laying the foundation for a more stable, less precarious life. These regrets rock the very foundation of our being. Regrets like I should have eaten better, worked harder, saved more fall into this category.
Moral Regrets: Regrets in which you did the wrong thing. These regrets force us to look at when we took the low road. Where you unkind? Did you bully a peer? Lie? Cheat?
Connection Regrets: "If only I'd reached out," is the telltale sign of a connection regret. It is the largest category of regrets, and they are about relationships — family, friendships, romantic and beyond. Our connections give our lives purpose. These types of regrets come about when people drift apart, but neither tries to connect again.
Boldness Regrets: We are much more likely to regret the chances we didn't take than the chances we did. Boldness regrets are about a chance that wasn't taken. Things like asking that person out, launching a new business, or traveling the world. For whatever reason, you chose to play it safe.

What Can We Do About It?

Pink states, “What if we don't pretend to live a life without regrets, but instead maximize our regrets to live a fuller, more flourishing life?” When dealing with introspection and learning from our regrets, we can do a few things.

Look inward. “Reframe how we think about our regrets. We speak to ourselves more cruelly than we'd speak to anyone else. Practice self-compassion.”
Look outward. “Practice disclosure. Sharing your emotions is a form of unburdening. We can make sense of regret through talking or writing.”
Move forward. Find the lessons to be learned from your regret. When processing your regrets, create some distance to help yourself process. Some ideas: Talk to yourself in the third person. "What should _______ do? " Ask yourself: what advice would I give my best friend?

Optimize Your Regrets

When planning on your year ahead, make sure you reflect on your regrets as well. “The feeling of regret can be used for thinking and reflection, and that reflection can then power action.” Pink suggests that we should look back on our year. Next, list three regrets and write them down. Last, make undoing the action regrets and transforming the inaction regrets your top resolutions for the New Year. Let’s face it, “looking backward can point us to a fuller, more meaningful life.”

How We Can Use Our Regrets to Live Our Best Life